PROVENCE – Shocking news out of Provence this morning as noted deceased French seer Nostradamus abruptly announced that the End Times had come.
“This is the big one,” he was quoted as saying. “The Whopper. The Big Kahuna. I’ve checked and re-checked the math on it, and I’m a hundred [percent].”
Nostradamus, the renowned physician and cryptic seer, is known for his obscure predictions that have been attributed to everything from the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the rise of Adolf Hitler. His latest prediction was printed in French newspapers overnight, and simply reads:
The world is about to end, y’all.
This newest prognostication is currently wreaking havoc on the global markets, and violence and looting have become widespread across most of the globe. Following the seer’s prediction, many world leaders had gone into hiding in bunkers around the globe. The Nebulous Observer caught up with some of the rioters.
“I think it’s great,” said Susan Bruckner, 44, a yoga instructor. “We can finally cast off any pretense about our world slowly dying and finally get around to it.” Bruckner promptly threw a flaming beer bottle full of gasoline through a convenience store window. “It’s nice to know who you really are, ya know?”
“I’m not ready,” said Bryan Mitchell, 22, a college student. “I was in the middle of finishing up a huge project for an independent study. I’ve hardly done any packing.” Mitchell had no response when asked what he was packing for.
“Look – we all knew this was coming,” said Nostradamus, sipping a steaming mug of cocoa. “I just sped things along a bit to cut out all the suffering. Is that so wrong?”
At press time, the author Pembry Cornish was seen running through the streets of downtown Minneapolis in his birthday suit while carrying a torch, his face painted with the blood of an indeterminate animal.