ATLANTA – Football fans the world over surfaced from their darkened soundproof dens and man caves on Sunday to announce that the world would have to endure six more years of Tom Brady.
“We know it’s upsetting,” said football-prognosticator-in-chief Louis Stevens, 53, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. “But the result is clear. He won another Super Bowl and we’re just gonna have to deal with him for six more years.”
Stevens is referring to the planned retirement of Tom Brady, 41, the quarterback of the New England Patriots. After six Super Bowl championships, the head of the Patriots record-setting offense had announced that he would step down and retire. Those plans seem to be shifting after their big win over the Los Angeles Rams on Sunday.
“Shortly before 8:30 p.m., we heard the clarion call of the Horn of Football Prognosticators,” said Mitchell Dudas, 33, of Belmont, New York. “We sloughed off our oversized flannels and stained hoodies, and we donned the upstanding regalia of the Football Prognosticators.”
Following the Patriots victory, the Prognosticators wiped Doritos dust from their pants and held a press conference to announce that, after it all, it appears that Tom Brady will never retire.
“We’re stuck with that white toast idiot,” said Frank Dearly, 71, of Burbank, California. “He’s gonna die on that field.”
At publishing time, the Prognosticators had returned to their cold empty man caves to await the start of the next football season.