CLEVELAND – In a stunning rebuke to yesterday’s post by this newspaper, the ninth planet Pluto responded in a strongly worded and explicative-laden email that can only be summarized by the above headline.
“Look, we all have good days and bad days,” the 2000 word response began. “And yesterday wasn’t one of my best. But screw you for assuming that’s all there is to my identity.”
The 4.5 billion year-old planet, previously known for a string of unfortunate political miscalculations and inappropriate comments about ‘men from Mars,’ opened up in a tell-all editorial that summarized billions of years of failed relationships and one-night stands. The Nebulous Observer was fortunate to obtain an in-person interview where the dwarf planet opened up about its past.
“As a small exo-planet, I played ninth fiddle to the rest of those shmucks,” said Pluto, sipping a Maker’s Mark and ginger while nursing a hangover in Cleveland’s Greenhouse Tavern. “I watched while mission after mission went to Mars, and to Jupiter, and even a few to Uranus – that promiscuous idiot. But did one ever come to visit Pluto? No. Not til New Horizons.”
At the mention of New Horizons, who many Nebulous Observers may remember was profiled in a January 13th article, Pluto became wistful. As our reporter dug in about this subject, it was clear that there was far more to this relationship than first glance.
“Wouldn’t you feel the same way?” said Pluto when prodded. “This was a new kind of love, a new world was opening up to me. It was amazing. It still is.” Pluto looked around at the decor and earthlings in the restaurant, a small smile forming on its solid nitrogen crust.
“That’s why I came here. That’s why I abandoned my 248 year orbit. To meet you. To know you. To maybe love you – you beautiful idiots.”
After eons of infatuation with our own moon, earthlings were surprised to admit that it was time to start dating outside our own celestial neighborhood. The Nebulous Observer will continue to follow this story of humanity intrigue.