MILKY WAY GALAXY – Today in the Supreme Intergalactic Court, a familiar snot-like substance present in nearly all living things on Earth took the witness stand in the ongoing illegal cloning trial.
An opening statement by the prosecution last week laid out the charges. “For millennia DNA’s willy-nilly practice of cloning on microscopic levels has affected virtually all life on Earth. And heretofore it has been unregulated. DNA not only clones itself without limit, it clones diseases, allows mutations, you name it. And it’s high space-time this snot-heap cannot continuum it’s activity.”
During questioning, DNA said in its own defense, “I blame Rosalind Franklin and Ray Gosling. Until they took my picture I was doing fine. What you don’t know about, still happens. Don’t be daft.”
Shouts erupted from the gallery at DNA’s remarks. Courtroom attendants were quickly warned they would be held in contempt of science if they did not immediately silence themselves.
The case against DNA gained traction in 1952, on Earth, when Franklin and Gosling captured a crucial image, known as Photograph 51. The photograph later led to the discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA. Earth scientists were then able to make enormous strides in understanding replication. Since then, evidence of the role of DNA and its cloning, especially the nefarious free will and limitless practices, has been well documented. Some molecules consider this the trial of the Big Bang.
Outside the courthouse, protests from three polypeptides strung themselves across the entrance, blocking traffic in or out.
“It’s about time!” Exclaimed one amino acid. “I mean, WTF? DNA gets to do anything it wants? There are a lot of amino acids who are backing me up.”
A group of bacteria that no one else would go near accused DNA of being a spotlight hog. “We all do our bit, and we get very little credit. I’m friends with the Tobacco Mosaic Virus, and ever since that stupid Photograph 51 went viral TMV has had trouble getting experiments. We’re organizing an infection.”
In an attempt to control proceedings, Judge X51ClarusDento ordered the protesting chains to disperse, breaking up both an amino group and a carboxyl group.
The trial was then adjourned for the day, to pay homage to the super moon and its demands for light.
(The Nebulous Observer will stay with this story, following leads on both sides of the helix.)