Cthulhu to Humanity: “Nah, you got this.”

MEDITERRANEAN – Shortly before 1:00 p.m. local time on Sunday, a massive creature, roughly the size of the island of Manhattan, with a vaguely humanoid body and an octopoid face, rose from the depths of the Mediterranean Sea to completely and utterly destroy the human race.

After breaching with a bellowing roar that shattered windows as far away as London, the beast took stock of the creatures that stood in its path. It thrashed and flailed, causing tsunamis in mainland Italy and Greece. It scattered boats that laid in its path, capsizing many. Then – abruptly – it stopped. 

“What….?” It said in a deep echoing boom. “What the hell have you people done? Look at this place!” 

The massive creature began gesturing wildly at the arctic ice caps.

“Holy hell! Look at those! The last time I raged and stampeded, they were one hundred times bigger – easily!”

It turned its eyes heavenward, examining the atmosphere of the planet.

“What have you done to the ozone layer!? Look what you’ve DONE to the ozone layer!”

The rampaging beast Cthulhu spun around, marveling at how dire the environmental health of the Earth had become. Lost for words, it dropped its massive arms and exhaled deeply.

“You know what, you guys. Nevermind. You got this.”

Cthulhu then took a wide turn and began sinking back into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean just beyond the coast of Spain. It turned back one last time.

“Jesus, y’all. I was ready to boil the oceans and rain fire from the skies, but this is WAY better than anything I could’ve come up with. Carry on.”

It slowly dipped back into the ocean, raising both middle fingers to the Earth. Its last words echoed through the air as it disappeared.

“Good luck, you monsters.”