Portugal Sues the World

PORTUGAL – Today in an unprecedented lawsuit, all of Portugal’s Port wine makers sued the world to claim the exclusive use of the word ‘Port.’

“It’s not pocket science,” translated the unskilled translator from Courtroom B of the Judiciary of Portugal. “The name ‘Port’ means brandy fortified wine. It can’t also mean a place to put a boat.”

Some argue the name ‘Port’ should instead be removed from all brandy fortified wine from Portugal. 

“Why not call it Tugal?” Said Christiano. “Then there would be no confusion. This is just arrogance.”

Original exports of wine from Portugal spoiled during shipment between… ports. Until one day an alcoholic captain of the first order (official title) was seen drinking and happy aboard a ship where all the other sailors were miserably sober.

Historian Padraig Pallav explained, “Legend has it that particular captain always had a cask of brandy with him, though no one saw it. They think he disguised it as a parrot, though no one can prove that.”

Apparently, the captain added brandy to everything, including his wine. When it didn’t spoil, the idea caught on, leading to what is known as Port wine.

“What are we going to say,” added Christiano, “that we’re going down to the dock where the boats bob about and wait for shipping? No. I will say ‘port.’ I will always say ‘port.’ And I’m a teetotaler. So there.”

~ Dan Plighter