WASHINGTON, DC – Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III appeared in a rare public press conference on Wednesday morning, boldly asking the American people if they had read his email.
“I sent this two months ago,” he said, brandishing a copy of his 448-page report on Russian interference in the 2016 election, waving it above his head. “Did you really not read it?”
The special counsel continued, clearly agitated.
“I remember explicitly saying to you ‘expect my email at some point between June 2017 and September of 2020,'” he sighed. “The least you could do is reply and say, ‘Got it. Will look over and reply.’ Come on, y’all.”
Reporters around the room shrunk back in shame. The Special Counsel noticed the anxious fidgeting, and rubbed his eyes in exasperation.
“I don’t mean to call you out like this, but can you just read it and do something about it?” Mueller asked.
Nods around the room prompted him to go on.
“Good. Cuz clearly this president did some messed up stuff and if I have to get up here again we’re going to have a much different conversation.”
Mueller then stalked off the stage, flanked by colleagues.
This story will be updated after the Nebulous Observer finishes reading the Special Counsel’s email.