Surge in Subscribers Forces Journalistic Self-Destruction

NEBULOUS HEADQUARTERS – The Nebulous Observer has announced that they will be shuttering their doors due to a recent exponential surge in subscribers and readership.

“We’re really hot right now,” said Editor-in-Chief, and founder of the award dodging journal, Dan Plighter. “And because of our popularity, we simply cannot keep pace with satirical observations of our world. We will close our doors and let humanity satirize its own existence by… well, by making one stupid decision after another.”

Letters and emails and tweets and facebook messages and Marco Polos and Snap Chats and TikToks and messenger pigeons inundated the NO offices following the announcement Dan made in his living room, alone, with no one to hear him.

“I guess I must have published something,” he said from a tangle of charging cords nursing drained devices. “I’m not sure how our millions of adoring fans found out otherwise. An investigation is underway.”

Pembry Cornish, long time Culture and Political correspondent for the Nebulous Observer, was reached aboard his mega-yacht in Sydney Harbor.

“Oh, that little paper?” he chortled when asked for comment. “No no, I sold my shares in that venture when the getting was good. I write Rudy Giuliani’s press releases now, baby!” He raised his champagne flute in a toast, to which the crew of the RMS Petroshenko cheered.

Cornish leaned back in his seat, an olive tan handsomely contrasting the snow-white searsucker suit he was wearing.

“Sure, it’s soulless work, but that’s why I try to get as much Vitamin D as possible. Another four months here and then we’re off for Martinique. Please send Dan [Plighter] my best, won’t you?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway,” said Plighter. “What does?”